As I drove out of the Jackson-Washington Foresty, the trees had no color. Everything was gray as tears ran down my face, and it was silent. I have music on in my car every time I drive from A to B. It is usually loud, and I am singing proudly! That Saturday in May I am pretty sure the sun was shining, and it was a beautiful day, but those colors were not bright and beautiful any longer.
JUST SHOCK
I love to drive. I love to have the top down on Juanita (my orange VW Bug). I love to feel the breeze blowing my hair in wild directions and the sunlight warming my face. The top was down that day as I raced out of Brownstown on my way to find Brad. No music playing, no warming sun on my face, nothing just shock.
I remember so many details about the day, and when I watch them back in my mind (as I often do), everything is black and white. It is like watching an old forgotten episode of Leave it to Beaver, of course without the laughter and pearls. As I was driving on Highway 50 almost to the edge of town coming down that small hill by the Seymour Animal Hospital, my phone rang, and it was from a number I did not recognize. Though I knew it was someone telling me my Maggie was gone. “Hello,” I said and on the other end was a quiet voice muffled with tears “La Wanda, are you with Brad?” is all he said I stopped him from saying more. Only asking, “Evan, is it bad?” “Yes,” he told me. Dead silence. I did not want this sweet young man who in the short time that he had been in our lives and I had grown to love have to be the one to say, “Maggie is dead.” “Just come to the house, Evan,” I said.
I will never go the Casey’s on Tipton Street ever again even if they are offering free gas and a polar pop. That is where I pulled in as Brad and Maeleigh were flagging me down to pull over. They knew the truth, and they were coming out to the campsite to get me. I can not even imagine what that drive would have been like for them. The pain and dread of that drive that takes only about twenty minutes to come tell me we had lost a child.
Hitting the dashboard with my fists, crying and yelling WHY!!!!
They pulled beside me, and I yelled: “I know.” Maeleigh ran around her dad’s car to hug me then Brad hugged us both. Time stopped for just a few seconds they helped me into Brad’s car, and Maeleigh drove Jaunita home. I just wanted to get to our house to my room to look and see if I was still sleeping and this was a terrible nightmare. I just kept thinking without saying anything I need to get home, take me home, but we stopped at a different gas station for Brad to pick up a few things. I sat in the car tears rolling down my cheeks watching people happily come and go enjoying the holiday weekend. A man on his phone, a young boy, riding his bike so happy that school was on summer break, a lady with beautiful gray hair (maybe it was brown, but today I see gray) pumping her gas. I just kept thinking I need to get home. In the silence, no music, no sound, just tears and screaming in my head, I need to get home. I need to wake myself up from this terrible dream. I walked into my bedroom nope I am not in bed asleep this is happening, my daughter is dead. Why is this happening to our family? Why does it happen to any family? One of those moments on this journey when I was so mad at God.
Briar, Hannah, and my mom came in the house quietly and so devastated. All of us hugging and silently crying each wondering why is this happening. My phone kept ringing people asking, “is it true.” Yes, I say. I just did not want to say yes another time to someone calling me. I wanted to curl up in my messy sheets and close my eyes.
True friends aren’t the ones who make your sadness disappear. They are the ones who won’t disappear when you are sad
Many friends and family started coming into the house, bringing our family things. Sloppy Joe and green beans, brownies, and cookies, a brown paper bag with forks, plates and toilet paper (glad to have gotten that we ran out on Sunday). My person, my bestie Heather, kept coming in and out, making sure I was drinking and taking breaks to rest. I remember the plastic cup she kept refilling with our favorite tea and adding just a little honey to sweeten mine the way I like it. I remember sitting on the chaise lounge by the pool, talking on the phone to Jessie. Text messages from friends and family. One beautiful memory of the day I must share; Brad, myself, Briar, Maeleigh, Hannah, and Dr.J (our pastor) standing in a circle hugging each other tightly with quiet sounds of crying praying for peace, love and most of all understanding about the WHY!! All of these details in black and white no color.
There are many memories from that day and weekend that I hold in my heart, but they are all black and white. No color. I shared on Facebook a while back that I have heard What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstong many times in the last several weeks take a listen to it and think about the beautiful colors we see in our wonderful world. Colors and music brighten my spirit, and I am thankful for them as I am walking this journey. Just keep smiling, be kind, and push onward.
“Without black, no color has any depth” –Amy Grant
Peace and Light-
La Wanda
Just Smile and Be Kind and Other Stuff 