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Chapter Four: Faces Places Signs

Heather and I spent the winter and spring of 2018 planning a road trip to…….one, check a few sights off the ole bucket list, two, drive and cruise the back roads of the US and three and most importantly see the last two Dead and Company shows of the summer tour in Boulder, Colorado. If you have not been to a show…..GO!!!!!!!! It is an experience, life-changing EXPERIENCE, the people, the colors, the music, the grilled cheese, oh and John Mayer. We had a list of things we wanted to see and do. Like, soak in a hot spring, drive on parts of Highway 50, see the Milky Way in Monument Valley and just drive our speed and rejuvenate our souls. Did God know that the summer of 2018 at that time and place that I would need the biggest rejuvenation of my entire life? Yes, He did, of course, He knows all. We bought the tickets for the show and started a notebook with the details in it!! Then that Saturday the day my world was turned upside down came. In one second, one Facebook message, one phone call, and with many tears, Maggie was gone.

Have you ever thought about how one second can change the course of your life? How about how people can be apart of your life for a lifetime, a season, or a moment?

Our little notebook stopped being a part of coffee time, and my sorrow took its place. But thankfully my family knew that now more than ever I would need a peace and healing trip. So on July 12th with the Prius packed down with our camping supplies, a couple of changes of clothing, a map and our notebook Heather and I pulled out of her driveway at 7:41 am. My trip of peace and healing as I decided to title our journey…..started.

Signs Signs everywhere there were signs. We were pulling out of a parking lot in Boulder and in front of us was Abbey Road. Maggie loved the Beatles. I smiled and started to cry as Heather drove us to meet Myster E. We were staying on his property for the two nights of the shows. This place was a journey in itself, a creek with a beautiful sound, people playing music, hearts, and butterflies, another sigh from Maggie. After she died, I have continued to see butterflies almost daily. Signs! Signs! When I would go to her house after she died, to clean out her things, I would find Bobby Pins. EVERYWHERE! I would pick them up and put them in my pocket. On our way into the show with the 1000’s of people, I found a Bobby Pin. (Sidenote I am listening to the show now on Relisten!!). I just looked down, and an obnoxious laugh from Maggie rang in my ears. That show, that night, the magic that started to heal in my soul is something I can not describe in words.

But I tried in my journal that early Saturday morning and here is what I wrote: I can not sleep it is July 14@1:38 am. I really dislike Saturdays (I have up until here recently not looked forward to Saturday. Each week I would think it has been one more week since she died.) It has been seven weeks. Will I ever forget what week it HAS BEEN? Around the room are some interesting things I like this saying that hangs above the door. “I dream my painting, then paint my dream.” I saw so many beautiful sights at that show. I love watching the hippies swim dance and do a little swimming too. I watched a hippy dancing the entire show in his own world letting the music give his soul JOY! A beautiful cape that was like the Superman cape, but only better because it was a sign from Maggie. It was a butterfly. Signs! Signs!

I know that people are placed in your life “for such a time as this.” I have had so many neighbors, acquaintances, friends, and family bless my life. I have talked with people in my life for only a few minutes, and many of those people have made an impact on me. This has happened a few different times at a Dead and CO show. I took Maeleigh to her first show only 11 days after Maggie died, and I was sitting on our blanket and looked up and saw Alice in Wonderland. Maggie loved Alice, she even did Zyan’s nursery in it. I walked up to the guy, and I don’t think I will ever forget his face as I said: “I lost my daughter 11 days ago, and she loved Alice in Wonderland.” I, of course, was crying and he started to cry and hugged me. I hugged him for a second and turned and walked to the restroom. On the night of the first Dead and CO show on our trip there was a lady in front of us dancing and enjoying the magic. She was a beautiful lady with long brown hair and had a soft, gentle soul. She turned to me and said you have a hurt in you. You need to breathe and be assured you can do anything you want. She touched my hand, and I had a feeling of calm come over me. We danced and chatted as the band belted out Deal and never spoke again. So I understand that people can impact your life one second and be gone the next. We were taking in the glory of our earth at one stop and a lady was taking a picture of some flowers, and I stopped to wait until she had a perfect shot. She said, “please keep walking; you are more beautiful than those flowers.” Those people were not apart of my lifetime, but they did make a difference in my life and this journey. (Below is not the song Deal but a clip of the Saturday night magic!! You can feel the happiness, joy and fun just watching the video!!! )

Maggie was not in my life for my lifetime, but I was in hers for her lifetime. It makes me sad that I will not get to see her grow any older than twenty-one years old. That her life was short, but it was her lifetime, and I know she was a person who was there for a moment and made a difference, and she was there for the ones she loved her whole life.

I get a sign from her every day whether a butterfly, a Bobby Pin, or something Zyan says. I am thankful for those signs; sometimes, those signs help me to make it through the day. I work hard every day to be a changing difference in the lives of the people I encounter, whether it be for a moment or a lifetime.

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you are riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief, and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live! -Bob Marley

Peace and light- La Wanda

Chapter 11-Time Will Not Delay

Oh! Ship!

A family trip!!!

I just went on a beautiful trip with my son, DIL, three Grands, my niece, her boyfriend, and my great-niece. I laughed, napped, overate, and drank more than usual. I also had time to think about this simple fact…. that what time you waste you can not no matter hard you try you can not get it back. I will be honest I did not take pictures. Partly because I knew Hannah or Bre would do it, I had a rigid mindset that I would not be a slave to my electronic device. I wanted to live in the moment. Take in the smells, the feels, the sounds, and write those onto my soul. I etched so many memories and I will keep those memories written where I can see, smell and feel them at any time. I will cherish the memories and look forward to making more with the loves of my life. That could be a large strange trip! I love so many people!

As Brad and I talked about how the Grands acted….. well like a 4, and two 6 year old’s might act. We laughed and agreed that was one of the deciding factors of our family vacations or the lack of them. We did have one that the five Tidds would agree was full of fun. As we chatted about not taking family trips my heart hurt just a bit. When you lose a child the making memories are done, and sadly there are no do-overs! So the memories, are all you have and I thought as I boarded the ship I needed to be sure these memories would be etched into my soul. I will share a few of the pictures the girls took because my people are beautiful inside and out.

One regret I have and I do have many regrets as a mom is that I did not camp with the kids when they were young. I have refound my love for camping after the kids have grown up. My dad and mom took me and my brother Beary camping growing up. I am glad I have those memories as a young girl. Now that Beary has gone to meet his God.

Take that trip you will make more money after the vacation. Use that vacation time that you have earned working hard. Your family can have more than they need in material junk or memories to talk and laugh about for years to come. Make those memories and etch them into your soul. Be In the moment!! Really be in the moment the smells, the feels, and the sounds. Now I am not saying leave the electronics at home pictures are an important part of the memories too. I am saying, however, the time my loves you can not get time back……. DON’T WASTE IT.

This is part’s of Breanna’s “journal” of our trip

2023 Cruise…….

O Ship it’s a Family Trip

A lot of memories were made with some of my favorite people!

Nassau: Was a bust for me, Jesse, and Ki. We got off to get all the way into town and it started pouring! Went to a few shops and decided to say F it because it was no light rain. We were soaked with no umbrellas or ponchos. Found Aunt Wandie to play rummikub. Met Beth and Steve. Good gravy that was something. Beth is a hardcore Rummikub player and well let’s just say poor Steve. Kids were extremely overwhelmed and bored this day so we did have a rough time behavior wise lol. But kids are kids and it happens!

My crew and Aunt Wandie and Zy were ready for our adventures in Charleston! We chose to find a breakfast spot and pop a squat for a bit. We asked about getting into our Air B&B early and that was a bust lol. We headed to Folly Beach and laid out for a few hours. Walked through the shops. Looking for VW bug sweatshirts. Come to find out they don’t carry a lot of curvy women’s sizes. Aunt Wandie dug and finally found one at one of the last stores lol Ate an early dinner. Headed to the house.

Auntie and I porch sat and chatted it up. Played Rummikub where Ki kicked our asses. She won two times. I won once. Had a lot of laughs in that game. Moved on to euchre. The teams were Jesse and Ki. Me and Auntie. Ki is a very good euchre player come to find out. She does not need our help and we should not question her motives lol I think she carried the weight for her and Jesse! 11 years old and knows the game I guess we are doing something right with parenting lol But me and Aunt Wandie pulled through with the win. Both teams were in the barn and I had to make it because I couldn’t let Ki and Jesse be in control causing us to win by the skin of our teeth lol! We had lots more laughs in this game so much that we almost literally had someone pee their breeches! Or maybe they just missed the toilet . Then we watched a movie, “She Said” on Peacock with AirPlay for the tv. Got to love apple so we didn’t have to sign into our info! Great movie! I think I took a 10 min nap in it and Jesse got up and went to bed with 35 min left. Pulled a chapter right out of Brad Tidd’s book Aunt Wandie said.

“Wasting time is robbing oneself.” -– Estonian Proverb We wasted no time making memories.

Peace my friends! I love you more than words can say!

Chapter Ten-Freedom

I know you will not believe this but I am somewhat opinionated! Again, I know the tree-hugging, tye-dye-wearing, patchouli-loving gal! But yes I am opinionated and it is getting louder the older I get. This week I had the pleasure of attending a banquet to honor one of my students for winning an essay contest about freedom. Her essay won first place from Jackson County out of 166 entries. I was so full of joy and proud to be her teacher. As I have read and reread her essay I have a better understanding of why I am so opinionated. Just a short 101 years ago as a woman, I could not have voiced my opinion by voting. A very short 48 years ago I could not have a credit card in my name without my dad’s or husband’s permission and co-signing for me. I am thankful for those women who marched and demanded women have those freedoms.

Google IT!

Google gave this definition for freedom, “the power or right to act, speak or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint.” When you google something the world wide web always gives you “others want to know.” I almost always click on those want knows and an hour later I am in a rabbit hole. Tonight one of them was “what are the freedoms in the Constitution.” And this is what the answer was……..speech, religion, press, assembly, and the right to petition the government. Together, these five guaranteed freedoms make the people of the United States of America the freest in the world. And wouldn’t you know it, those are some of my loudest opinions?

Folks and friends we are at yet again a crucial moment in history. No matter your opinion or lack thereof all of these freedoms are in jeopardy. We have got to step up and get louder for all people! Even if we disagree with how they live their life, with whom they love, who they worship or don’t, and for goodness sake, how they choose to dress! Sooner or later we will all be affected by the loss of those freedoms. Maybe not to your person or your body, but someone you love will be affected. This is why I am so loud and opinionated I have a lot of people I love to the marrow of my bones and I do not want to see them hurt, hated, or god forbid killed because of one of the freedoms that we are all guaranteed in 1787. I am going to end with a small bit of my student’s essay. Remember back to when you yourself were 11 years old without a care in the world and see freedom through those eyes.

“To me, freedom means that I can be proud of my own style, do what I want to do, and choose what I believe in. I can grow up to be exactly what I want to be, and I can talk loud and proud about what I support simply because I am free.”-sixth-grade student. That is right, dear human you can be loud and proud and speak your truth!

Peace to you today and always….

At it again… Chapter 9

Can we start where we dropped off?

I have not written in, well a few years but I have really been thinking about jumping into this for sometime now. I have even put notes into my phone and journals to write new posts.

So much as happened and I am not even sure where I left off or where to start. So for this post I am just going to tell my fans(HA!HA!) where my life has gone and where I am in my journey on this Big Blue Beautiful Planet we live on!

I have been in a classroom teaching for almost three years and some days it feels like yesterday I was on the campus of IUPUC loving being the student. Then there are THOSE days where I am wondering what the hell I am doing!?? Or if I am really making a difference! I know that in some small way I am making a difference but it does not always feel like it!

I started teaching in Columbus in the fall of 2020! Yep you know it was hard teaching in a mask everyday. But I loved every minute of being in a classroom! Jeff Backmeyer and the Southside Mustangs took a chance on me! (No one else even called me back!) I know what you are thinking, “A joyful beautiful human like you?” I know right? Anyway! He and the team of sixth grade teachers wanted me to teach with them! I have so much gratitude and love for that crew! Jeff, Cathy, Kelly, Kristen, Mark and Susan thank you from the morrow of my bones and the depth of my soul! You helped me more than you will ever know!

This summer I had the chance to interview for a job in town. It was an opportunity for me to be close to home and make a difference in my own community. So I took that opportunity and again I am thankful for Loriann and the 6GC for again taking a chance on this 50 year old lady! I have again found a team of teachers who love what they do and we work together like a fine tuned beautiful 1972 VW Bus!

I am excited to start writing again. Maybe to inspire you. Maybe to make you laugh. Maybe to help you find some joy. Or just maybe for me to help me feel better about what I am doing and finding out that I am making a difference. For you and for me!

I hope you know the world is a better place because YOU are in it-Jacqueline Whitney Peace and light-La Wanda

Chapter 8 Soar

Soar—to fly higher, to rise above

The death of a child takes much from your soul! It seems as if your soul can’t find its joy. As if colors aren’t as bright. The doozy one is the feeling that you can not breathe as if the air a big lump in your chest. It is laying there and I can feel it, but it won’t let you breathe! That feeling is terrifying.

I slowly find my way out of grief drowning days when the 8:00 am bell rings, and my students come piling into my classroom with the buzz of the morning rides to school. Or the days when Zyan wonders out loud in the car about the birds on the electric wires. Or the evenings when watching a favorite TV show with Brad. A silly Snapchat from a friend. Seeing Nollie in the mornings as I am dropping Zyan at preschool. Those Facebook memories of when the babies were still babies. I breathe in and out, overcoming that drowning feeling!

When the new year started I made a goal to remember each day to “Soar” and find what will bring joy to my soul. According to Google Soar, “Soaring also suggests exhilaration and even joy.” EVEN JOY! I have a bracelet with the word SOAR on it and wear it every day (well, ok, let’s face it, not every day, only a few weeks until I see 49!) BUT…… when I put it on it reminds me to find joy or, just as important, give joy to someone!

Music is a big part of daily life! One of my students asked me why I have to “sing” everything???? I have a pink sparkly microphone, and I am not afraid to use it! SO, I do sing many made-up tunes as I am teaching math! I told the class music brings me joy! It makes me feel better if I am sad, mad, or happy! I told them music gives memories to events in my life! Like when I hear Roll Me Away, I can see myself driving into Monument Valley with the windows down, my hair flying in the wind, and coming around a corner then seeing the beauty! So that led to a short geography lesson about somewhere glorious in America! I am currently looking for my tunes for my spring list ( take a listen to the first song I added today by The Avett Brothers it’s a good one!). Also drop me your new or old favorite tune!

Friday night on our drive home Brad and I chatted about how the grief we still experience has not gotten easier and is still as raw on day 979 as it was the day we found out Maggie had died! That feeling that you can not breathe…will it ever go away? Probably not, unfortunately, we will always carry that feeling with us until we both make it to the Promised Land! But until that day, I must pick up my pink sparkly microphone and SOAR to finding joy! Singing and dancing! I encourage you to do the same sing and dance it will do your soul good! Peace and light to you.

___La Wanda

Chapter 7 Things You Might Need to Know

4/18
I can not believe my graduation day is in twenty-eight days! My cap and grown have been ordered, and so are my shoes…..BTW Black Chacos. Anyway, this is the day I have waited 14,600 days for…… give or take a few. Isn’t it funny how life works? I must not dwell on it, and I can not change a thing about the situation. But my graduation is not in TWENTY-EIGHT days damn-it. And I am sad! AND MAYBE MAD TOO!!!!

Although this is not the worst thing that has happened in my life.

So you know….I love music!!!!! Music is just right for your soul. I am doing things differently this time raising my granddaughter, and I am so sorry I did not raise my own three children this way. I hope they will forgive me, but I was so mean. Anyway, Zyan has picked up my love for music while being quarantined, and I guess her whole life because we have music on all the time! I guess that is my silver lining in this; she asks every day, are we turning on the speaker with your phone? Will you dance with me? I have even caught her singing lyrics of songs while playing or in the bath. So today, I am working on a playlist! I am adding many different genres I want her exposed to all music. Amazing isn’t it….how the beat of drums playing or words being belted out can change the whole day? “So come on fatso and just bust a move.”

4/2
I am so thankful for my people. I have a unique variety of friends that honestly could mash together and create a killer commune. A place where different opinions meant okay, we don’t agree, a place of kindness, love, and so creative! MY PEOPLE! I love you all!

4/4
Everything will be alright…that doesn’t mean……It will be the same. Something to think about for sure. Do we want to be the same? UMM no, we don’t, or at least I don’t want to be the same, I want to be better.
I have not been the same in 693 days. Maggie has been gone from her earthy home for 693 days. I think I get somewhat more bitter some days, but I also look for and find reasons to be joyful too. I want to come out of this quarantine with more joy than bitterness.

4/7
I got a much-needed text today from one of my people. She told me she often has dreams with Maggie in them. I never have dreams about her and thinking about that sometimes causes that bitterness to boil. Then I get this little kick in the caboose and find joy in something. Like that text, it was my joy; I had been thinking I am forgetting what Maggie sounds like…… “I have had several dreams where Maggie shows up,” she wrote……, “and every time she tells me I am okay!” She went on to say a few other things and ended the text with, “I am not sure why He chose me to tell you, but I thought you needed to hear this!” YOU have no idea how much I needed to hear that, looking for joy over bitterness.

“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.”

― Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life

3/29
I am going to tell you I love watching Tik Tok videos I wanna make one!!!! Maeleigh got me watching them, and I send her ones I think are so funny every day. Today she said you have been spending a lot of time on Tik Tok. I said, “welllllll Shit, what ya all, doin?” and Zyan said it and I laughed even though it won’t be funny if she says it to the wrong person. Maggie would have loved it!

4/18
Today I talked about how mean I was to all of Maggie’s boyfriends. ALL of them. I admitted this as we were chatting. I reminded myself that I owed one of the boys an apology, and I knew that as I saw him in the line at Maggie’s funeral. As we hugged, I told him I would love to talk to him sometime soon. As we were leaving the funeral home after all our people left, he had waited to speak to me. We hugged again, and I told him that I owed him a giant apology. I cried as I said it, and from my heart to heaven, I meant it, he is a beautiful human that I did not give a chance. And well, that was my fault. If you need to forgive someone, I suggest you do not wait for a sad day; do it today. Peace be with you!

I love you all…….Love deeper La Wanda

Chapter Six: Be Better Able To…

I have not written in weeks, and to be honest, I have missed just sitting down and pouring out thoughts. Although I am here to tell you all, I have been super busy, out of sorts, and gloomy. School this semester has got me like, “Girl, you too old for this, and can I possibly get all this done?!” Reflections for this and that, lesson plans with too many parts, then teach those lessons, and then BAM you see the light bulb light up when a student “gets it!” I know then all of that work was and is going to be worth it in the end. I also think part of the gloominess is because of the weather changing and “LORD HELP US” that dreaded time change!

Sadness crashing in on me!

Then on the day of my Benchmark III interview (this is an interview with a faculty member of the Department of Education about a lesson plan, how you taught it, and how it went, this interview is a pass/fail. It is pretty important to have it together). Anyway…. that morning, as I was getting ready, it hit me that it had been 516 days since Maggie died. I thought about Zyan asking me, “if her mom was coming back?” No Zyan, she is not coming back. THEN…… goes the crying and getting mad at God for only giving me twenty-one years with her and even less with her daughter. AND I mean MAD! Then I went to a “feeling sorry for myself” second. After a good cry, I pulled myself up and washed my face put on mascara (did not want to look dead and all!), got dressed in a cute black dress, royal blue, black, and white swirly leggings, and a kelly green cardigan, jumped in Jaunita, jammed a Dead and Co show and drove to IUPUC. Grief is like the beautiful oceans clam with a gentle breeze one day the next it is a Category 5 hurricane.

When I went in for my interview, I sat down and knew I should have meditated in the car. My professor knew I was having a bad day, so I guess the mascara does not cover grief, he graciously gave me a few minutes to breathe before starting. I had my interview, and I felt as if I did well and gave him great feedback about my lesson, my delivery of it, and what I thought my students gained or did not gain from it. He gave me ideas to ponder on, and ways to be sure all children learned. We then discussed my learning outcome. It states this “The students will be better able to” Blah Blah teacher talk……we talked about the words be better able to, and this is what I wrote in my journal that evening….

Journal Entry Oct 24, 2019

“I have given much thought to ‘be better able to’ this evening. Be better able to do what? Learn? Listen? Be grateful? Love? Show kindness? Be a wife, mom, Lolly, a teacher? A HUMAN? Yes, I want to be better able to do all those things and more. Most of all, I want to show others to be better able to…..Am I doing that?” My thought and reflection on my teaching and LO today……I do think that some students might not know anything about what I am teaching, but I hope that after I teach the lesson, they might be better able to….just a little bit better able to and to remember we all are different and learn differently.

A day to enjoy a book.

Today I decided not to touch any school work. Not to even open canvas and look at what was due soon. I went to my classroom this morning to teach a lesson, and I came home, took a nap, and read a book. The whole book, ok so the book is written for fourth grade, but it is a chapter book with two hundred pages. The last page says this:
Last Words
Bear witness. My tale is told.
Wake. Only the living can make the world better.
Live and make it better. Don’t let me (or anyone else)
Tell this tale again.
Peace out,
Ghost Boys (Rhodes, 2019, p 202)

Isn’t it funny how things just fall into your life when you need them the most? Be better able to and make it better has been a theme for me for a while now….

TEACH. LOVE. INSPIRE.

“Be better able to”……make the world better. FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE days, that is how long my soul has found it hard to make the world better. Although I try each day to make it better for those around me, I give encouragement, read articles that will educate me on equity for all, watch things like The 13th on Netflix, and search for lesson plans that I can integrate how I can teach my students to be better people.

Grief is the price we pay for love —- Queen Elizabeth II

Maggie was indeed a person who showed equity for all people. She did not care where you lived if you were poor or rich. She was friends with the Chief of Police’s daughter and had friends who did drugs. She had many sides, but she always showed people the value of their lives. We did not get along when she was living. To be honest, we fought because of her fairness in loving everyone. Yep, that’s right; you heard that correctly. As a mom, we want our children to like everyone, be nice to everyone, show kindness to everyone, BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE, but that is not really true. Well, it was in my case I wanted her to be friends with people who looked like “me.” Who lived like I did, and you know kind to everyone! That sounds funny, but that is what I would preach and teach, but not really mean. Telling the truth is hard, admitting it to yourself is even harder, but as the ocean waves of grief sometimes take me under and almost drowns me, I see Maggie’s face and hear her obnoxious laugh. I come up gasping for air and remember what she taught me. And that is to “be better able to”……live and make it better. I am working hard every day to be the person I teach and preach about a person who does show kindness to EVERYBODY, not just the ones who look like and live like me.

Looking forward…being better…

I know that I will struggle with the loss of my daughter in my soul for the rest of my life. I know that Brad, Briar, Maeleigh, Hannah, Zyan, Nollie, Mila and Evan will too. Our whole family, friends, and Maggie’s many friends from all walks of life will miss her forever, but we must push forward and be better people.

I always hope to be a better person tomorrow than today.
Mahershala Ali

And I say….Tomorrow is a new day to be better than I was today.

Peace and light my friends, go and live and make it better.

La Wanda

Rhodes, J. P. (2019). Ghost boys. New York: Little, Brown and Company.

Chapter Five: My Love for you will still be Strong

If you love music as much as I do, you will defiantly relate to this blog post. And if you don’t, I hope you will look at music differently and learn to appreciate it more. Music can heal your soul. I believe that with all that is in my being. I have music playing A LOT. Zyan will say, can we listen to music? UMMMM YES, of course, we can!!! Why wouldn’t we?

That’s just the way it is
Some things’ll never change
That’s just the way it is
Ah, but don’t you believe them-Bruce Hornsby

I recently saw an Instagram picture from President Obama, and it was a list of music. His summer playlist, and as I recall, it had fifty songs on it. The songs were from many different artists, genres, and years. That got me to start yet another TO DO on my journey to healing — a Fall Playlist on Spotify. I have had fun listening to songs that remind me of things from my past, like the song With or Without You by U2. One of my friends from college loved U2! And at that time I did not appreciate them. I do now though, and I would say their concert is one of my all-time favorite live shows. Thanks, Nicole, for planting that seed. Rambling Man by The Allman Brothers reminds of the many nights I would drive my drunk friend Jerri Kay home in her red car(though I can not remember the make)and then have to listen to her dad gripe at us for coming in late and trashed. Let me say I was usually the driver and did not get trashed, but I got the same tongue lashing. Moon River from Breakfast at Tiffany’s watching Gossip Girl until 2 am. I LOVE MUSIC!!!! It plays an enormous role in my life. Does it yours?

And tell the ones you love you love them
Teach only what you know, and oh
You better know it well-Vance Joy

The day that Maggie died, I drove to find Brad in silence. No music to dance to in the car “Hand Jiving” Brad calls it. No loud singing. SILENCE!

BUT………

On the day of each one of my grandchildren’s birth, I played Your Song by Sir Elton John. There is a line that goes like this…..So excuse me forgetting. But these things I do. You see, I’ve forgotten. If they’re green or they’re blue. Anyway, the thing is what I really mean. Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen. Those three babies have the sweetest eyes I have ever seen next to the eyes of my own three babies. I miss seeing Maggie’s eyes, and I can say that looking at pictures eases the pain only just a tiny bit. She had a particular spirit in her eyes — a wondering. Sometimes a look of a loss of where do I belong? Sometimes a dancing sparkle that was beautiful and enchanting. I see those eyes some days in Zyan’s eyes, and again I am thankful for those small bits from heaven, but it is not the same. The sweetest eyes I have ever seen belong to….. Briar, Maggie, Maeleigh, Zyan, Nolan, and Mila. Thank you Sir Elton for singing such a beautiful line.

As I am writing, I have…. you guessed it been listening to my Fall Playlist. Each song has given me a scene in my mind of something that has made me smile, laugh out loud, cry, dance and “hand jive,” and sing LOUD and PROUD (BTW it is 12:53 AM). Those are the memories that made me a wealthy soul…Travelin’ Man Bob Seger. I would love to know what song has made your soul wealthy, sing, and hand jive! And if you don’t have one search music, start listening to songs from past years close your eyes and let your mind wander and rejoice or cry. Start a playlist of all kinds of music you will soon thank me, or President Obama is ok to thank too(I stole the idea from him). You will quickly be recalling friends who used a cigarette to melt a cassette tape(I do not condone this type of music abuse), so we would not have to hear The Red Hot Chili Peppers again. See yourself driving into Monument Valley mesmerized by the beauty of the world we all inhabit. Or dancing with your husband on your wedding day or your son on his. Riding in your first car, thinking you were the coolest sixteen-year-old jamming to Def Leppard. Remembering the way you felt hearing “THAT” song for the first time. Music is amazing, isn’t it? So share with me your amazing song that has a special memory in your soul!

Some of the songs on my list in no particular order:
The Power of Love
Save a Prayer
I’m on Fire
Easy
Roll me Away
Jolene
I say a Little Prayer

Poncho and lefty
Moon River
Over the Rainbow (Judy Garland)
Moment of Silence
Your Song
Feel it Still

The Weight (one of my top three favorite songs) Give it a listen below Featuring Robbie Robertson | Playing For Change | Song Around The World ….You will be glad you did!

I need to go the bed and turn on my Deep Sleep music on the App Insight Timer and get some rest. My Great Niece Kilynn loves listening to the Deep Sleep and asked Grammy J to download it for her. My own sweet grands know and have an appreciation for music. If you want to add some joy to your life find it in a song!! You too will soon be hand jiving!!

One of Maggie’s favorite songs…Moment of Silence

I’m not lost
I just can’t find my way

Don’t anybody want a moment of silence?
Nothing but a blank page to hide in—Brent James

Music can change the world- Beethoven

I miss you so much, I can’t stand it. Seems like my heart is breaking in two….Seems like the spirit is pushing me onward….Van Morrison

Be well…peace and light—–La Wanda

Chapter three The Drive The Day

As I drove out of the Jackson-Washington Foresty, the trees had no color. Everything was gray as tears ran down my face, and it was silent. I have music on in my car every time I drive from A to B. It is usually loud, and I am singing proudly! That Saturday in May I am pretty sure the sun was shining, and it was a beautiful day, but those colors were not bright and beautiful any longer.

JUST SHOCK

I love to drive. I love to have the top down on Juanita (my orange VW Bug). I love to feel the breeze blowing my hair in wild directions and the sunlight warming my face. The top was down that day as I raced out of Brownstown on my way to find Brad. No music playing, no warming sun on my face, nothing just shock.

I remember so many details about the day, and when I watch them back in my mind (as I often do), everything is black and white. It is like watching an old forgotten episode of Leave it to Beaver, of course without the laughter and pearls. As I was driving on Highway 50 almost to the edge of town coming down that small hill by the Seymour Animal Hospital, my phone rang, and it was from a number I did not recognize. Though I knew it was someone telling me my Maggie was gone. “Hello,” I said and on the other end was a quiet voice muffled with tears “La Wanda, are you with Brad?” is all he said I stopped him from saying more. Only asking, “Evan, is it bad?” “Yes,” he told me. Dead silence. I did not want this sweet young man who in the short time that he had been in our lives and I had grown to love have to be the one to say, “Maggie is dead.” “Just come to the house, Evan,” I said.

I will never go the Casey’s on Tipton Street ever again even if they are offering free gas and a polar pop. That is where I pulled in as Brad and Maeleigh were flagging me down to pull over. They knew the truth, and they were coming out to the campsite to get me. I can not even imagine what that drive would have been like for them. The pain and dread of that drive that takes only about twenty minutes to come tell me we had lost a child.

Hitting the dashboard with my fists, crying and yelling WHY!!!!

They pulled beside me, and I yelled: “I know.” Maeleigh ran around her dad’s car to hug me then Brad hugged us both. Time stopped for just a few seconds they helped me into Brad’s car, and Maeleigh drove Jaunita home. I just wanted to get to our house to my room to look and see if I was still sleeping and this was a terrible nightmare. I just kept thinking without saying anything I need to get home, take me home, but we stopped at a different gas station for Brad to pick up a few things. I sat in the car tears rolling down my cheeks watching people happily come and go enjoying the holiday weekend. A man on his phone, a young boy, riding his bike so happy that school was on summer break, a lady with beautiful gray hair (maybe it was brown, but today I see gray) pumping her gas. I just kept thinking I need to get home. In the silence, no music, no sound, just tears and screaming in my head, I need to get home. I need to wake myself up from this terrible dream. I walked into my bedroom nope I am not in bed asleep this is happening, my daughter is dead. Why is this happening to our family? Why does it happen to any family? One of those moments on this journey when I was so mad at God.

Briar, Hannah, and my mom came in the house quietly and so devastated. All of us hugging and silently crying each wondering why is this happening. My phone kept ringing people asking, “is it true.” Yes, I say. I just did not want to say yes another time to someone calling me. I wanted to curl up in my messy sheets and close my eyes.

True friends aren’t the ones who make your sadness disappear. They are the ones who won’t disappear when you are sad

Many friends and family started coming into the house, bringing our family things. Sloppy Joe and green beans, brownies, and cookies, a brown paper bag with forks, plates and toilet paper (glad to have gotten that we ran out on Sunday). My person, my bestie Heather, kept coming in and out, making sure I was drinking and taking breaks to rest. I remember the plastic cup she kept refilling with our favorite tea and adding just a little honey to sweeten mine the way I like it. I remember sitting on the chaise lounge by the pool, talking on the phone to Jessie. Text messages from friends and family. One beautiful memory of the day I must share; Brad, myself, Briar, Maeleigh, Hannah, and Dr.J (our pastor) standing in a circle hugging each other tightly with quiet sounds of crying praying for peace, love and most of all understanding about the WHY!! All of these details in black and white no color.

There are many memories from that day and weekend that I hold in my heart, but they are all black and white. No color. I shared on Facebook a while back that I have heard What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstong many times in the last several weeks take a listen to it and think about the beautiful colors we see in our wonderful world. Colors and music brighten my spirit, and I am thankful for them as I am walking this journey. Just keep smiling, be kind, and push onward.

https://youtu.be/CWzrABouyeE

“Without black, no color has any depth” –Amy Grant

Peace and Light-
La Wanda

Chapter two Life is too short to wear your flip flops on the right feet

This week was a special week in my timeline of life events. I had my last first day of college. As I mentioned in my first blog post, “What am I doing” I wrote that I am finishing a goal that I started in August 1990. And on May 16, 2020 with fingers crossed (this semester is going to be a doozie) I will walk across that stage and receive my undergrad in Elementary Education and English as a Second Language teaching degrees from Dr. Reinhold Hill, Dr. Jennifer Conner, and the other fantastic professors at IUPUC.

Twenty-nine years ago, my parents, aunt and uncle drove me and my most precious items to Terre Haute, Indiana. They moved me into Emerson Hall, and that week, I began a new chapter in my life and started a beautiful and fun adventure. And dare I say some of the most fun days of my whole life thus far. Meeting new people, living on my own, and learning who I was and who I wanted to be as a human.

Am I being the best me? Am I treating others kind? Am I just sitting and listening?

Twenty-nine years is longer than the number of years Maggie spent in my life. Our time on earth is so short, and for some of us as in Maggie’s case, it was too short. But we seem to want to rush everything we want things right now we do not take time to sit and listen to the “school bugs” (I am listening to their beautiful sounds now along with my Fall Playlist on Spotify I will share that soon). Or more importantly are we listening to what our souls are telling us. Am I being the best me? Am I treating others kind? Am I just sitting and listening? I ask myself those questions daily, but I still think life is too short to wear your flip flops on the right feet.

Twenty-one years is just not long enough to do all the things this beautiful world has for us to enjoy. It is not long enough to love more people and feel their love. Or enjoy the beautiful sunsets. It is just NOT long enough period. Taking time to enjoy is so essential in making your soul wiser and more beautiful and that is what will make our world a better place.

Maggie was who she was, and she owned it straight up. She did not take the time to put her flip flops on the right feet. She was off and onto the next adventure even if I did not agree with her choices (and most of the time, I did not). Twenty-One years though is all she had, not long enough, especially for me her momma to love her. It is so essential to sit and listen to the school bugs, fun music or to yourself think and breathe, but life might just also be too short to wear your flip flops on the right feet. So make silly faces, eat those cheese curds when in Wisconsin (they are sooooo good), enjoy the sunsets, laugh, love, smile and be kind.

“Life has a way of turning you into the human you should be if you let it” me– Peace and light ~

La Wanda