The trees were giving me such good energy, the birds were singing, but my tent was not going up smoothly. Every time I got one pole into place, the opposite side slipped out. I heard the ringing of my cell phone, which was very unusual because the reception in Jackson-Washington Forestry was terrible. Ignoring the buzzing sound, I pushed onward to get my home set up for the annual Memorial Day weekend camp out. A kind man from a campsite across the way came over and asked me if I wanted help getting my tent up. BUZZ BUZZ my phone rang for the second time, and I thought to myself I am relaxing and why is my phone even getting reception? After fighting with my little red tent and getting my things inside, I sat down to look at the phone.

Setting down under that beautiful giant tree something happened within my soul that can not be explained.

As I called one friend back, she explained her son had heard something had happened to Maggie and was she OK? Yes, I think so we had dinner with her last night. As we were hanging up, my friend, Julie, called asking me the same thing. “Is Maggie OK?” Again I told her we had dinner with her last night. “Why?” She said I read on FaceBook, “RIP Maggie Tidd.” Facebook the place where we all get news, see and post pictures, laugh at Memes, and post things about our everyday life. I was pissed and not even the trees could calm me down. Why would someone post that? Maggie did die that early morning in May, but the police had not yet notified us.
At the time I did not know the truth, but my soul knew it was true in some odd way. As I sat there under those magnificent trees, my daughter was already gone from this earth. Her quirky obnoxious laugh was gone, her kindness for all people was gone, and my life was forever changed.

(As I am writing tears are rolling down my face, and Zyan (her daughter) told me “don’t be sad today cause Mae Mae is coming.”)

That day my life changed, and I am still learning to live each day without a part of my soul. Some days it is easier than other days, some days I cry a lot, and some days I don’t cry at all. Some days I feel happy that she is walking the streets of glory, and some days I am so mad at God, I can’t see straight. I also get angry at Maggie, though I do believe her time on this side of heaven was over, and God called her home, and one day we will meet again.
When someone dies, it hurts. Plain and simple, it just does. It can hurt to walk, to talk, to breathe. It can hurt to get up in the morning, take a shower, put on your shoes. The colors you once thought were beautiful aren’t any longer. The things you found lovely aren’t as beautiful as they once were. The colors I once loved are coming back slowly, and I must march forward.

“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” -Helen Keller

Peace and light-
La Wanda

A few weeks ago, my daughter Maeleigh said, “Mom, you should write a memoir!” WHAT? Why do you say that? She said, “you have such good advice, and you probably can help someone, and I love reading memoirs.” She went on to tell me she has read memoirs this summer and gave me a list of titles that I have already forgotten. Sorry, Mae!

I journal on most days, and I have recently started creating my own calendars with “TO DO” lists, fun quotes, art, and much more. It is fun and relaxing for me. I am starting my SENIOR year in college Monday, and I am scared and looking forward to finishing a goal. A goal I began in August 1990, it is never too late to finish a goal! I am sure I will talk about that more later.

So why blog? I have started doing serval things in my process of grieving the death of my daughter Maggie. So this is one of “those things.” So sit back and enjoy the ride with me. I hope you laugh, think, learn, and maybe cry too.

“Life has a way of turning you into the human you should be if you let it” me– Peace and light ~

La Wanda