Chapter Six: Be Better Able To…

I have not written in weeks, and to be honest, I have missed just sitting down and pouring out thoughts. Although I am here to tell you all, I have been super busy, out of sorts, and gloomy. School this semester has got me like, “Girl, you too old for this, and can I possibly get all this done?!” Reflections for this and that, lesson plans with too many parts, then teach those lessons, and then BAM you see the light bulb light up when a student “gets it!” I know then all of that work was and is going to be worth it in the end. I also think part of the gloominess is because of the weather changing and “LORD HELP US” that dreaded time change!

Sadness crashing in on me!

Then on the day of my Benchmark III interview (this is an interview with a faculty member of the Department of Education about a lesson plan, how you taught it, and how it went, this interview is a pass/fail. It is pretty important to have it together). Anyway…. that morning, as I was getting ready, it hit me that it had been 516 days since Maggie died. I thought about Zyan asking me, “if her mom was coming back?” No Zyan, she is not coming back. THEN…… goes the crying and getting mad at God for only giving me twenty-one years with her and even less with her daughter. AND I mean MAD! Then I went to a “feeling sorry for myself” second. After a good cry, I pulled myself up and washed my face put on mascara (did not want to look dead and all!), got dressed in a cute black dress, royal blue, black, and white swirly leggings, and a kelly green cardigan, jumped in Jaunita, jammed a Dead and Co show and drove to IUPUC. Grief is like the beautiful oceans clam with a gentle breeze one day the next it is a Category 5 hurricane.

When I went in for my interview, I sat down and knew I should have meditated in the car. My professor knew I was having a bad day, so I guess the mascara does not cover grief, he graciously gave me a few minutes to breathe before starting. I had my interview, and I felt as if I did well and gave him great feedback about my lesson, my delivery of it, and what I thought my students gained or did not gain from it. He gave me ideas to ponder on, and ways to be sure all children learned. We then discussed my learning outcome. It states this “The students will be better able to” Blah Blah teacher talk……we talked about the words be better able to, and this is what I wrote in my journal that evening….

Journal Entry Oct 24, 2019

“I have given much thought to ‘be better able to’ this evening. Be better able to do what? Learn? Listen? Be grateful? Love? Show kindness? Be a wife, mom, Lolly, a teacher? A HUMAN? Yes, I want to be better able to do all those things and more. Most of all, I want to show others to be better able to…..Am I doing that?” My thought and reflection on my teaching and LO today……I do think that some students might not know anything about what I am teaching, but I hope that after I teach the lesson, they might be better able to….just a little bit better able to and to remember we all are different and learn differently. 

A day to enjoy a book.

Today I decided not to touch any school work. Not to even open canvas and look at what was due soon. I went to my classroom this morning to teach a lesson, and I came home, took a nap, and read a book. The whole book, ok so the book is written for fourth grade, but it is a chapter book with two hundred pages. The last page says this:
Last Words
Bear witness. My tale is told.
Wake. Only the living can make the world better.
Live and make it better. Don’t let me (or anyone else)
Tell this tale again.
Peace out,
Ghost Boys (Rhodes, 2019, p 202)

Isn’t it funny how things just fall into your life when you need them the most? Be better able to and make it better has been a theme for me for a while now….

TEACH. LOVE. INSPIRE.

“Be better able to”……make the world better. FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE days, that is how long my soul has found it hard to make the world better. Although I try each day to make it better for those around me, I give encouragement, read articles that will educate me on equity for all, watch things like The 13th on Netflix, and search for lesson plans that I can integrate how I can teach my students to be better people.

Grief is the price we pay for love  —- Queen Elizabeth II

Maggie was indeed a person who showed equity for all people. She did not care where you lived if you were poor or rich. She was friends with the Chief of Police’s daughter and had friends who did drugs. She had many sides, but she always showed people the value of their lives. We did not get along when she was living. To be honest, we fought because of her fairness in loving everyone. Yep, that’s right; you heard that correctly. As a mom, we want our children to like everyone, be nice to everyone, show kindness to everyone, BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE, but that is not really true. Well, it was in my case I wanted her to be friends with people who looked like “me.” Who lived like I did, and you know kind to everyone! That sounds funny, but that is what I would preach and teach, but not really mean. Telling the truth is hard, admitting it to yourself is even harder, but as the ocean waves of grief sometimes take me under and almost drowns me, I see Maggie’s face and hear her obnoxious laugh. I come up gasping for air and remember what she taught me. And that is to “be better able to”……live and make it better. I am working hard every day to be the person I teach and preach about a person who does show kindness to EVERYBODY, not just the ones who look like and live like me.

Looking forward…being better…

I know that I will struggle with the loss of my daughter in my soul for the rest of my life. I know that Brad, Briar, Maeleigh, Hannah, Zyan, Nollie, Mila and Evan will too. Our whole family, friends, and Maggie’s many friends from all walks of life will miss her forever, but we must push forward and be better people.

I always hope to be a better person tomorrow than today.
Mahershala Ali

And I say….Tomorrow is a new day to be better than I was today.

Peace and light my friends, go and live and make it better.

La Wanda

Rhodes, J. P. (2019). Ghost boys. New York: Little, Brown and Company.