Chapter 7 Things You Might Need to Know

4/18
I can not believe my graduation day is in twenty-eight days! My cap and grown have been ordered, and so are my shoes…..BTW Black Chacos. Anyway, this is the day I have waited 14,600 days for…… give or take a few. Isn’t it funny how life works? I must not dwell on it, and I can not change a thing about the situation. But my graduation is not in TWENTY-EIGHT days damn-it. And I am sad! AND MAYBE MAD TOO!!!!

Although this is not the worst thing that has happened in my life.

So you know….I love music!!!!! Music is just right for your soul. I am doing things differently this time raising my granddaughter, and I am so sorry I did not raise my own three children this way. I hope they will forgive me, but I was so mean. Anyway, Zyan has picked up my love for music while being quarantined, and I guess her whole life because we have music on all the time! I guess that is my silver lining in this; she asks every day, are we turning on the speaker with your phone? Will you dance with me? I have even caught her singing lyrics of songs while playing or in the bath. So today, I am working on a playlist! I am adding many different genres I want her exposed to all music. Amazing isn’t it….how the beat of drums playing or words being belted out can change the whole day? “So come on fatso and just bust a move.”

4/2
I am so thankful for my people. I have a unique variety of friends that honestly could mash together and create a killer commune. A place where different opinions meant okay, we don’t agree, a place of kindness, love, and so creative! MY PEOPLE! I love you all!

4/4
Everything will be alright…that doesn’t mean……It will be the same. Something to think about for sure. Do we want to be the same? UMM no, we don’t, or at least I don’t want to be the same, I want to be better.
I have not been the same in 693 days. Maggie has been gone from her earthy home for 693 days. I think I get somewhat more bitter some days, but I also look for and find reasons to be joyful too. I want to come out of this quarantine with more joy than bitterness.

4/7
I got a much-needed text today from one of my people. She told me she often has dreams with Maggie in them. I never have dreams about her and thinking about that sometimes causes that bitterness to boil. Then I get this little kick in the caboose and find joy in something. Like that text, it was my joy; I had been thinking I am forgetting what Maggie sounds like…… “I have had several dreams where Maggie shows up,” she wrote……, “and every time she tells me I am okay!” She went on to say a few other things and ended the text with, “I am not sure why He chose me to tell you, but I thought you needed to hear this!” YOU have no idea how much I needed to hear that, looking for joy over bitterness.

“Walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet.”

― Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life

3/29
I am going to tell you I love watching Tik Tok videos I wanna make one!!!! Maeleigh got me watching them, and I send her ones I think are so funny every day. Today she said you have been spending a lot of time on Tik Tok. I said, “welllllll Shit, what ya all, doin?” and Zyan said it and I laughed even though it won’t be funny if she says it to the wrong person. Maggie would have loved it!

4/18
Today I talked about how mean I was to all of Maggie’s boyfriends. ALL of them. I admitted this as we were chatting. I reminded myself that I owed one of the boys an apology, and I knew that as I saw him in the line at Maggie’s funeral. As we hugged, I told him I would love to talk to him sometime soon. As we were leaving the funeral home after all our people left, he had waited to speak to me. We hugged again, and I told him that I owed him a giant apology. I cried as I said it, and from my heart to heaven, I meant it, he is a beautiful human that I did not give a chance. And well, that was my fault. If you need to forgive someone, I suggest you do not wait for a sad day; do it today. Peace be with you!

I love you all…….Love deeper La Wanda